


Appropriate Use of Trouser Snake

by brotherfuckers



Series: Striderclan [81]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angry AI, Fluff, Gen, Incest Mention, Pet Care, snake - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-13
Updated: 2014-03-13
Packaged: 2018-01-15 14:34:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1308364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brotherfuckers/pseuds/brotherfuckers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave's good friend Houdini has been temporarily evicted from his place in the classroom and needs a home until the end of the semester. The twins are pretty good about hiding stuff from Bro so this one little snake shouldn't be that hard. Right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Appropriate Use of Trouser Snake

“What you do you mean we’re going to have to get rid of Houdini?” Dave asks alarmed. “We’ve been keeping proper care of him, haven’t we? I mean, I’ve read everything I can about ball pythons and made sure he’s okay on a daily basis. He probably the most well cared for-”

“It’s not my decision, Dave. The school administration said-”

“I heard you the first time, Ms. Castille. But isn’t there anything we can do? It’s not Houdini’s fault that Bobby is afraid of snakes.”

“Yes, but we have to provide safe classroom and Bobby doesn’t feel safe in a classroom with Houdini.”

“F- fudge.” Dave crosses his arms and frowns in thought. “So... what’s going to happen to Houdini?”

“Well I can’t take him home. I have too many pets as it is with all of the foster pets I have right now. I wasn’t expected to take him home until summer. I’ll probably have to take him to a pet shelter,” Ms. Castille explains.

“No! I’ll take him! I mean, I can’t do it long term probably and who know what Bro would say but it’s only for the remainder of the semester right? And then Bobby won’t have your class and you’ll be able to take Houdini back. It’s the perfect short term solution.”

“Well, you obviously know how to take care of Houdini. You’ve proven yourself so far.”

“And you don’t even have to worry about cost. I can handle that too. And I have the perfect spot in my apartment and everything. I swear Houdini will be perfectly safe.”

“I suppose we could... How soon could you take him?”

“This afternoon.”

“Don’t you need to ask your guardi-”

“Nah, Bro’ll be alright with Houdini; he likes snakes.”

* * *

“Dave, Dave, Dave, Bro doesn’t like snakes.”

“Shut up, Dirk. And just help me get Houdini and all this to the car.” Dave’s arms are full of snake cage and supplies stacked carefully on top and he’s only halfway out of the school. There are still several more doors to navigate and a parking lot to get through.

“What the fuck are you doing to do when we get home?”

“What Bro doesn’t know can’t hurt him. We managed to hide from him for two years, I think we can manage a few weeks.”

“I don’t think intermittent fucking is the same as a snake.”

“Shut the fuck up, Dirk.”

“I’m just saying.”

“And no one appreciates it.”

They get out to the Jeep without incident. Houdini is tucked into the trunk and the twins head home.

“So what if he finds out, Dave?”

“Then I’ll explain the situation.”

“He really doesn’t like snakes.”

“He’ll never find Houdini if I keep him under my bed.”

“Seriously? That’s your plan?”

“Yes. So I’ll need you to distract Bro while I get Houdini settled.”

“What. You are seriously dragging me into this.”

“Yes.”

“And how exactly am I going to distract Bro?” Dirk sighs defeatedly.

“I don’t know. Call him an cheese puff asshole or something and let him kick your ass.”

“Great. So not only are you dragging me into your stupid scheme but I’m also getting my ass kicked for your stupid snake.”

“For my trouser snake,” Dave says with a waggle of his eyebrows.

“No, it’s my trouser snake that you’ll be deep throating at the end of this.”

“I can’t believe you used that euphemism. Ew. Not sexy.”

“You used it first!”

Dave pulls into the parking lot and sends Dirk up while he handles Houdini. Dave’s on the stairs a couple flights down when he hears the yelling on the stairs from Bro chasing Dirk upstairs to the roof. Dave definitely owes Dirk something big for his help. Dave slips into the apartment and dashes to his room. Houdini has to hang out on top of the bed for a moment while Dave shoves things out of the way underneath. When there is enough room next to the plug, Dave slides the tank in place and tucks the rest of the supplies next to it. He’d have to replenish the ice packs in the cooler often but that’s not that big of a deal. He makes sure the heat lamps are turned on and keeps an eye on the digital thermometers to make sure that the two temperature sides are functioning properly. Then he shoved some stuff back in front of it just in time to hear Bro and Dirk come back inside.

“Really? Do I have to?”

“You’re the one who started this shindig. Ain’t my fault you got all up in my business. Thought ya were begging for somethin’ like this. It’s either strip show or...” Bro pauses for dramatic effect, “ya could inventory all of my felt samples for me. I got that huge bag o’ scraps sitting o’er in the corner.”

“I- Ack- Uh- Fine. But give me some decent music to shake my ass to, you perv.”

Dave’s safe for now, but he definitely owes Dirk.

* * *

For the next couple weeks, it’s an exercise of stealth.

Dave has to make sure the Houdini has fresh water and correct temperature. He has to pull him out and let him drape across his neck and arms late at night when he is sure Bro has gone to bed with Dirk warily leaning against the door. He has to make sure that the feeder mice stay icy in the cooler until it’s time to feed. Thankfully Houdini only needs to be fed once a week.

Dirk helps with just more than watching the door. He gets in on the handling and the care while Dave is ‘distracting’ Bro. It’s a joint effort to keep Houdini a secret from Bro.

Dave gives Ms. Castille and the rest of the class, minus stupid Bobby, picture updates of Houdini with selfies of the gold coppery green patterned snake curled up on his head and tickling his ear or inside a pair of headphones or strung out from the corner of the bed trying to sniff/taste Dirk. Ms. Castille confirms that she’ll be able take him back at the end of the semester. Dave relays Bro’s thanks.

* * *

Two months into the routine, something goes wrong.

Dave gets home from school and immediately ducks into his room. He drops off his bag, checks the door one more time, and then kneels down to look at Houdini. But he doesn’t see the snake immediately. He tilts one way then another to try to look into the hides on either side but he still doesn’t see him.

“Wha...” He reaches in and lifts the hides up, worried now and that small worry blows up into panic as the tank is found empty. “Shit. Shit shit shit.”

He starts crawling around his room, lifting everything as he searches for the python. He checks every scrap of clothing, under every smuppet, inside every box, every corner of his bed and Dirk’s bed and the closets and the desks and everything. But he still can’t find Houdini. The snake is not in the room.

TG: dirk  
TG: dirk  
TG: fuuuuuuuuck  
TG: im so screwed  
TG: im dead  
TG: so dead  
TG: im already feeling the rigor mortis  
TG: make sure they cremate me  
TG: so they can desecate my ashes  
TG: because i dont deserve any better  
TT: What happened?  
TG: houdinis pulled a disappearing act  
TT: You are so dead.

Dave slides his phone into his back pocket. Houdini probably couldn’t have gotten out of the apartment even if he somehow successful got out of the cage and out of the room. Probably.

But Bro’s hanging out in the main room. Dave remembers seeing him lounging on the futon. Now Dave has to figure out how to do an extensive search of every nook and cranny without alerting Br-

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Dave doesn’t think he’s heard a higher pitched sound come from a human’s voice box.

He rushes out and finds Bro staring at his arm draped across the back of the futon holding perfectly still. Well, almost perfectly still. Dave sees Bro’s other arm slowly reaching for the nearest katana.

Dave lets out a sigh of relief though as he sees Houdini stretched out across the top of the futon and slightly wrapped around Bro’s wrist.

“There you are, you little shit. How the fuck did you get out? And how did you get up here?”

“Dave, why are you talking to the scale monster?”

“Aww, Houdini isn’t a monster. He’s a good snake,” Dave coos as he reaches out carefully to lift Houdini up, getting him safely away from Bro.

“The only good snake is a dead snake.”

“Nooo, Houdini’s awesome, aren’t you, you little escape artist? He’s friendly and happy and wanting to meet new people.”

“It’s a legless lizard with fangs. And don’t put it around your neck, it’s gonna kill ya!” Bro’s voice gets a bit higher as he watches Houdini’s tail tuck into Dave’s collar.

“He’s not going to kill me. Not going to kill anyone. You haven’t killed anything, have you?” Dave can almost see Bro’s eye twitch at the baby talk.

“If it don’t kill, then what the hell does it eat.”

“He eats frozen mice. Well, he doesn’t eat them frozen. I have to heat them up.”

“Heat them up?” Bro repeats suspiciously. “How do ya heat...”

“Microwave,” Dave answers automatically.

“Our microwave.”

“Uh...” Dave recognizes the trap that he just laid for himself. And no amount of backpedaling will get him out of shit this deep.

“Ya heat up dead frozen mice. In our microwave. For a fuckin’ snake.”

“No, no, no. I use the microwave to heat up the water to heat the mice in.” He’s still in the deepest shit based on how Bro’s eyebrows twitch together.

“So before I beat your ass into next year hard enough that you’re gonna go to college in a full body cast, I just gotta ask because I am apparently a masochist which I thought was your role, but why are ya familiar with the cobra and how long has it been in my apartment?”

“He’s a ball python, not a cobra. What if I told you you didn’t want to know?”

“I’ll still beat your ass.”

Dave sighs. “I’ve been taking care of Houdini for my teacher for about two months because some stupid punk was scared of this cute baby.” Dave pauses mid eye roll as he realizes what he just said. And yep, Bro’s eyebrows are glaring a couple degrees more. “And he’s only here until the end of the semester so only a couple more weeks and I’ll make sure he doesn’t get out again.” Bro just stares him down as he takes in Dave’s story. “I’ve been taking care of him all year. At school. And so I was a good choice to foster him. Since I could. And you weren’t supposed to find out. And he wasn’t supposed to get out. And you’re angry. But Houdini isn’t like the other snakes you are scared of-”

“I ain’t scared.”

“He doesn’t bite unless you are food or being really stupid. He’s not a constrictor. He’s too small for that anyways. The most he’ll do is curl up and hang out. Like jewelry really.” Dave knows his mouth is just running to keep talking so he can try to delay the inevitable. But he feels his mouth going dry as Bro’s glower gets darker, countered only by the little jerk when Houdini adjusts himself. “Bro, he didn’t have anywhere else to go and I couldn’t let this poor baby be orphaned and abandoned and the teach is fostering pets and I’ve been taking really good care of him like he’s the pet you’ve never let- I’ve never had and I didn’t want him to be killed off!” Dave puts all of the emotion in his voice as he tries to earn Bro’s pity. Thrown in the quivering lip and puppy dog eyes and maybe it would work. Dave considers throwing in “daddy” as well to add that to his arsenal but he thinks that that might be a bit inappropriate with such innocent snake eyes watching.

“Go put the slime ball up so I can kick your ass.”

“He’s not slimy and right now he’s my knight in shining armor keeping me safe from you.”

“Take it off.”

“No.” It’s a risk, a big risk.

“Dave.”

“Bro.”

“Take it off.”

“Not until you promise that you won’t make me get rid of him until it’s time to give him back.”

Bro’s eyes narrow. “Ya should be worryin’ ‘bout your own ass.”

“Well I’m not. I’m more worried about a harmless pet getting the shit end of this. I knew I’d get in trouble if you found out, but it’s not like Houdini had a choice in the matter. It was either here or a box in the gas station parking lot and I couldn’t have that happen.” It was a bit of an exaggeration, but Bro didn’t need to know that.

Bro continues to stare but Dave feels like he’s actually considering the situation instead of planning his little brother’s murder. “Ya really care for the sucker, doncha?”

“Yes.”

“Then-”

The front door opens and Dirk comes in. He stops halfway across the room when he notices Houdini hanging off of Dave. “And you are still alive. Impressive.”

“Did ya know about this?” Bro’s dangerous tone swings to the other twin.

“Uh...”

“Right. Y’all can never get into trouble separately. The two of ya are gonna make me go gray before my time.”

“Then you could get gray rimmed glasses to match,” Dirk deadpans. “We’ll pimp them out with a nice beaded chain. Bifocal prescription for those bitches. It’ll keep you from squinting so much.” Dave tries his hardest not to laugh at the picture Dirk is painting because his brother doesn’t have the snake protection. But he fails; a half choked snort comes out and draws Bro’s attention back.

“Ya think tha’s funny? Really, brat? Like ya ain’t already in trou-” Bro cuts himself off as he watches Houdini lift his head up and start sniffing at Dave’s nose, curious about the noise. His eyes don’t leave the snake as he pulls back a little and brushes against Dave’s hair until he comes across Dave’s ear. Then his ear flicks out and makes Dave flinch down with giggles.

“Houdini! That tickles!”

Bro finds himself half way up out of his seat with a hand wrapped around the handle of the katana before he realizes the snake’s activity is harmless. He flops back on the couch and grumps as he turns back to his interrupted show. Without even looking back over his shoulder he tells Dave, “Fine. Ya can keep him until school’s out. But doncha dare let me catch ya heatin’ those mice up. And keep your fuckin’ pet to your room because I can’t always help my ninja reflexes.” Bro crosses his arms over his chest in finality. Dave lets out a sigh of relief, slightly unbelieving at the resolution. He starts back towards his room. “And don’t wear him around me! That shit is creepy...” Dave laughs as he disappears. “Thought we’d already seen the worst of the creepy shit when ya forced me to take ya to every mummy exhibit in existence,” Bro grumbles.

“So what pet do I get?” Dirk asks as he leans against the back of the futon.

“What? Ya don’t get nothin’.”

“But Dave gets a snake. How is that fair?”

“You’re takin’ care of the fang beast too.”

“Not really. That’s totally Dave’s thing.” Dirk hums in thought. “What about a bird? You like birds.”

“Ya got Hal for that.”

There is a sharp screeching sound from the speakers that has both Dirk and Bro wincing.

“Da fuck was that?”

“Oh shit. Now you’ve done it.”

“Done what?” The television cuts off suddenly. “Oi, are ya steppin’ on the remote, Dirk?”

“Nope.”

Bro searches around the futon for the said remote but can’t find it. The laptop catches his attention as the screen glitches. “Da fuck?” He reaches over and shakes the mouse and clicks several times but just gets several tones of protest from it. “Uh...”

**_ I am NOT a PET. _ **

The letters show up in bright white across the now black background of the computer screen. Bro glances up and the television shows the same. A glance over at his phone shows the same.

“I done fucked up.”

“I’d say so.”

“I can’t believe that you would call me a pet.” The tinny voice comes from the desk as Hal boots up the Brobot chassis. “I knew I shouldn’t have gone along with your parrot idea. Polly want a cracker my digi ass.”

“Aw, c’mon li’l man. I din mean it like that.”

“Like hell you didn’t. You called me a pet. Like I could substitute for a bird.”

“Well, your sprite chassis does have wings.”

“DOES NOT MAKE ME BIRD!” Bro is immensely impressed as Hal takes a running leap from the desk to the coffee table, sliding artfully to a crouched stop in front of him before standing tall. Bro can only imagine the glare that would be on his face if Dirk could animate the tiny features.

“Hal, Hal, Hally, you know I-”

“I don’t want to hear your excuses. I want to hear an apology.”

“Dirk, can ya-”

“Nope. You owe Hal an apology.”

“You hurt my feelings, you carbon-based douchenozzle.”

Bro raises an eyebrow at the little tin man. “What.”

“You hurt Hal’s feeling, you cock-juggling twatwaffle.”

“Okay. Dirk. You’re gettin’ your ass beat after I handle all this drama.” Bro leans forward and picks Hal up. Hal squawks and flails but the small robot body was built for basic movement and agility over strength. “And for ya, li’l man. I know ya ain’t a pet like the tube thing in the other room or a birdy, though ya made a cute parrot-”

“Bro. Apology. Now.”

“Aw, c’mon, take a joke, Hally.”

There’s another screech through every available speaker and then the lights go out. Every electronic device seems dead except for the red glowing eyes of the chassis.

“Bro! Did you forget to pay the electric bill?” Dave calls out from the other room.

“No, ya dumb shit. Hal’s just havin’ a conniption fit- OW! YA LI’L SON OF A BI- OW!”

“Say. You. Are. Sorry.” Hal punctuates with sparks that zap the hand holding him.

“Jesus fuck, ya li’l terrorist. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You’re not a pet. You’re a Strider and an artificial intelligence who has fuckin’ scary control over this apartment. I won’t ever insinuate that you’re a pretty bi- OW! A pet, since pets are kind and lovin’ and FUCKIN’ OW! Stop that, ya piece of shit! I said I’m sorry! I’m sorry I hurt your feelin’s because ya ain’t just a pet; ya really are one of us and I was wrong.”

“Hal, please tell me you recorded that.”

“Yes. ‘I was wrong.’ Of course I did.” Bro narrows his eyes down at the echo of his voice that came from the little bot.

“Okay, okay, ya got your statement from me. Will ya turn the power back on?”

“Of course.” The power flickers back and everything boots up again. “I wouldn’t mind if Dirk got a bird though. It would give me someone to play with.” Bro once again imagines Hal’s expression, this time of innocence and pleading eyes. Much like Dirk’s hovering next to him.

“You’re not gettin’ a bird. And we ain’t keepin’ the snake any longer than necessary. No pets. Can barely keep ya fuckers alive.”

“I don’t think you do too terrible of a job,” Dave compliments as he strolls back in, dropping his elbows to the futon on the other side of Bro. “Doesn’t he, Hal? C’mere, I want snuggles.”

Hal perks up and scrambles out of Bro’s startled grip and up his arm to Dave where Dave picks him up and holds him close, nuzzling against the silver bits.

“That’s my cute little AI. Who’s the badass? You’re the badass laying the smack down on big mean ol’ Bro.” Bro stares at Dave and the display of baby talk Dave is giving the robot man as if he was a pet. “So how was your day, goober?”

“Wait, wait, wait, why does Dave get to- why is Dave not being zapped?”

“Duh,” Dave rolls his eyes.

“I like him better.”

Bro’s jaw drops for a moment before he just throws his arms up in the air in defeat. Today just isn’t his day.

 

**Author's Note:**

> For more information please check out our work at striderclan.tumblr.com; we have more stories, head canons, art/pictures.


End file.
